Manifesto Daniel Balde

ODE- DANIEL BALDE

Chapters: 1. Awakening of Ego (water) 10%

Chapter 2. Blame (earth) 10%

Chapter 3. Deterioration ( fire )

40%

Chapter 4. Sex ( fire )

Chapter 5. Death ( air )

40%

Chapter 6. The conversation ( air )

Chapter 7. The real awakening

Awakening of Ego

There’s a weird feeling in the air

While the fresh air

Corrupts my heart

I feel the need to ask you

To get inside

And while facing down

And the tear falls down

While in the middle of the ride

I just want to hide.

You tell me it’s okay

To pay for more

You left me in the sand

There I was crying repeatedly

Leave me angel of god

Leave me here to subscribe to this man you so call woman that affects me. I don’t want to be there as much as I want to be with you. Hold me tight against your chest, while I feel your manhood inside me the only thing that comes to mind is desperation. Make me feel desperate again, my lord. Take me again to that place of peace and insecurity, give me a reason. A reason they

Morbid is the word to describe what you do to me. Creature of evil, while desperation is the need to acquire health. Mental state of me.

Sing, sing for me devil, while following your sweet melody I admire your posture and I understand much of me that I see in you, but I want to be you. With a bit of me, right?

Mortais somos nós que afirmamos o mal que nós mesmos criamos, medidas e palavras criadas para me definir, redundante eu digo. No entanto, posso o desculpar? O homem ? O grande homem, senhor.

Wake up lord. It’s you again that I need in my life.

Unaware of your desire for more out of me, I know now that the only thing separating us is that you are the liar and by relying on you with this exquisite beauty, you have made me wonder if I don't want to be you, creature.

001.

You said I’m your girl

You made me feel like one

By the curl of the waves

I know you are inside

And it hurts

Take it off

The sand, filling up these scars

While my face follows my heart

And chases the warmth

I can't see the stars

And it hurts,

It hurts,

You said I'm your girl and like one I was not

Let me lose some weight so I can become her again,

It hurts,

It hurts

But put it in,

I want to be your girl again.

Stairs to God

It is from your perfect bosom

The wildness of life that I waste and suck

In the stairs ahead is not bad luck

Yet self judge.

It’s with a dry mouth that I reach the top

Bravely awaiting for the dash

Against your intoxicating areola

Perhaps it's not sugar or salt

But just.

Elongated features goddess like

I can only consume purity

By recording you at night

From your perfect figure

Nothing like having sex with you, meangingless being

By recording your behaviour I see it is a higher level that

I don't understand yet.

when looking at the bottom of the bottle

that erase clean off the floor

Sucking beverage life out of your breast

Your areola is intoxicating

Toast to this drink

And it is with my dry mouth that I walk up these stairs

Bravely awaiting for the drop that I wipe clean off the floor

Sucking beverage life out of your breast

Your areola is intoxicating

Toast to this drink

Blame

Where are you, Father

Totally unaware of your abstinence, it's not for me cause you never cared really, but your other son. Relevant we are in our mother’s heart but not at yours, filled with self obsession and money you left. Call him I beg you, I saw him cry for the first time, an adult of many ways surely but still a child waiting to be carried by his father.

Explain to me, virtual compliments making me wonder: Do I exist outside this online persona? Mortified is what I whisper to you when I collect what's left from that room that you call mind. I feel it through my veins when I'm sure you are surrounded by this, identity

Identity over you, obscure shadow compressed against my chest that when I wiped the fake excuses you spit out of your mouth from my face. I know the pleasure that is coming. I am not scared of you anymore, identity. Penetrate me and make me desire for more. Something reassures me that this will not end soon. A journey you and I decided to take not here in this dimension but for sure when we met our creator. There is so much more we are forgetting and to be honest I wonder where all these “memories” went. How can I reach full form if I don't remember my existence prior to the vessel. How can I claim that I understand myself and understand my surroundings? Existence is not made from experiences and memories, the past is an abstract idea… How can we even make sure it happened? And how can I be sure this is all made for me? Body only a bit over 24 years, but not acknowledging spirituality and the before sounds naive to me. Nothing on this planet we so call home is from nowhere and goes nowhere, we existed prior. The dislike that exists inside me towards me it's the only assurance I have. However, where does it come from? Not sure what I am doing… probably mumbling in my sleep.

002.

Deprived from sleep and reality

I awaken the God itself,

That by studying I know there are 6 shelves,

And we are only aware of 4

Makes me wonder if there's room for more.

I am falling not asleep but from the 3rd shelf

I know they waiting for me on the 5th

Identities that us mortals can't understand

the self

That by itself stuck on the teeth

I am aware that no one is aware.

Waking up now expecting to be on the 5th dimension, I know now it’s not the 5th shelf but year 5, waking up in this stranger’s house I know while the sun goes down outside it’s not reason enough for waking up without my summer shirt, steamed by my mother that morning with so much care and love after waking me up. Black shadow, looking like the Virgin Mary is screaming in her native tongue from the window while the contrast from the beautiful day outside reflects in this present body, making it difficult to see the real world, but while I wipe from my eyes the effects of the drugs I understand that I don't understand myself. What did she see? What is she screaming about?

Still not awake, my eyes avoid the religious figure from the window that by saving me I was still not aware of what, we all realise there is a man in our presence. Jesus was not, but he cared.

Stop screaming, creature.

Fresh meat picked and sliced to feed a mouth that was only guilty of being awake just like me.

Awake I am not, but I know now I was on someone's sofa asleep. How can I confirm something that happened in the past? Did the past happen? Who can guarantee to us that we are not actually just living a full day and our past memories were imprinted on us to create a storyboard for a character in this game we call life? Be aware of other dimensions.

Where are you, father? He told me he was taking me to you.

003.

The cities I saw in that tunnel

The shared experience of love with my own self

That by hearing those screams alone

By traveling on my own

I got myself into the light

And surely,

I might see myself again

Once I get back.

Daniel Balde, June 15th 2020

004.

Once I was inside,

suddenly I realize that purge is more than me

Once I was inside,

mortified I realize I got the key to get out.

The urge was not enough to make me realize

but once I was inside

Everyone recognized

It was not a scream

It's him.

Daniel Balde, June 20th 2020

005.

He's gone

I got out

The tunnel was closing but I did it, Father!

Stay this time, I promise

No father

He's gone.

Dance with me,

No father,

You can go now.

I thought I got out,

He's not gone.

Daniel Balde, June 22th 2020

III

Deterioration

The rent is due at the end of the month. I have to pay to use this body, to maintain this body and definitely to not let this body die. Deterioration of body and self. Two beings coexisting in a vessel where no one is king or Queen but a lawless nation. However as any lawless nation both parties are trying to take over each other's space. Unfortunately I fell into a trap. Listening to “self” to control the body, not giving a fair shot. Not maintaining.

I'm in bad shape.

Never been so low, the voice keeps pushing me to the side and asks to take this mask they made me wear. The truth is, I'm here. And even more alone in this group made of peers that seeing me disappear they succumb to the fear of saying no.

Daniel Balde, June 15th 2020

006.

There is an empty place there.

I ask him to move in,

There is some trees and in me something tells

Our affair started there.

With this ego of mine I realize it was not you who made me cry, it was the trees that while on my knees I see it was not trees but ribs.

Daniel Balde, June 15th 2020

I met God today. Was in the mirror. But for some reason He was locked. Locked within those bones pressed against my skin, or His skin? Mine is not, I don't believe in God. I keep running towards him while he chases me. Why can't I get some space from me or him?

Daniel Balde, June 13th 2020

Sex

I'm glad I am being used to fulfill your needs, man. I don't enjoy it or care but I know it makes you happy. I give my body as currency, exchanging it for love.By spitting in my mouth and pulling my hair, it is just a reminder on how much i deserve. I dont consider diminishing me as a person, sex me isnt sex me, it’s a character creatively curated and fabricated to make other feels better about themselves, and I am ok with it. But why am I ok with it?

Somehow every time I am in bed with a man it takes me to that beach and the pain even tho not physical is still there on my mind… making me wonder if I never left that sand. The system pimped me, escorting the white men. Never felt right, the uncomfortable clothes, the risks or the death threats followed by blackmail. The money was good. I do miss it. I just don't miss sitting in ubers with my pockets full thinking about what just happened on my way to another client's house while trying to avoid the advances made by the drivers.

Exciting times. Scary times.

Tainted is the path ahead

Be sure to take a flashlight

So when you look at it

The construction was spoiled by your past.

Misusing of money

By getting inside a car

You knew the road was tainted

007.

Disposable as the bra you are wearing

Only now you know what was playing wasn't your medley

Get inside the car, Ego

Power is not on your side or your mind

But on his hands.

Silver car

White powder

Red bra

Floor was filthy, he was filthy, I felt filthy

Death

It is uncomplicated, it is there. We all know it's coming but we all keep running away from it. It will not wait for you, it will take you. Death is not the end but yes a new beginning. But as any new beginning even though exciting there's a fear of the unknown.

I'm not scared of death I am scared of what is coming after, maybe that's a normal reaction for people. I wonder if you feel the same?

I caught her wandering again in that world, fantasizing about leaving the physical body and meeting those in control of this avatar. She confessed to me seeing their faces, his faces, or her face before. Often I see her going down that street even though I tried to help her slip right into my nose. Confused, just like her vision when after she slips so many times she barely can hold herself together and the only certainty is that if she keeps going down the same street she will eventually meet them. I tried to be conscious of her size but after letting her in once it's so hard to keep maintaining the same discernment. The volume of the music is getting lower and further away from me and her. Trying to hold her, the only thing I am sure of is that I don't want to leave her

I thought I would see darkness and confront my own demons once I held her hand. You are so gentle, you give me peace, stability and no questions asked.

I don't cry often. Was never something I could do as a way of dealing with my emotions. I think I take those repressed feelings into her on a desperate quest of making me feel something. Being able to communicate how I feel truly without worrying what am I gonna say or do, a total freedom where the cost is the degradation of my vessel/body. I count on her to guide me through what is making me feel a certain way.

008.

Moments of realisation

Underneath the distorted light and the sound

Created by you

Made by you

To you

Substance of mine

Desperation on sight

That I might realise

Its me you want to invite

Finally what I wanted from you

I see depression filling up your eyes.

The conversation

07/12/2020

I believe we all were born evil and by evil I mean I was born with you, Ego of mine. We learn how to disassociate ourselves from the primal instinct we have. I am sure that somehow we are still together, I didn't lose you the way I believe I was meant to. Let’s imagine a man walking down the street, and he falls, losing control over the only leg he owns and while he stands tall and over everyone, with the pride he accomplished after losing a member that allowed him the ultimate freedom, he questions who is laughing over his lost leg. By falling down everyone rushes to help him, the intuition to help in my blind perspective is out of something we learned, respect, compassion, empathy etc… But the key word here is “learned”. We are all that man, falling flat on the floor and wondering who is laughing about our misery. Surely not who is helping him going back to that place of fake security, but children nearby. Why are they laughing? What is the difference between the children and the people who helped us? They didn't learn, they are children. So are we born evil? Or are we just born ? and good and bad are only information we learn? So I dare ask you, Ego; are you with me or are you me? Are you bad or good? Was I supposed to learn to let you go? You are evil, you are bad, you are.

17/01/2021

The reassurance of a better mental state was not accomplished by my last trip … When we use the word trip, I just want to point out that it feels like a trip, there’s definitely a start and you always end up in a different place. This different place is called a higher state of consciousness… I agree to a certain extent. There's a better understanding of who we are, where we go and “purpose” or whatever this word means. However the true knowledge I got from it is that everything that's going on in your head is not useless information.

I don't know what I intend to accomplish with this work anymore. I feel like I'm encountering this big monster that I often call depression. But you want to know something..?? It's me. I'm the big scary monster in front of me stopping myself from reaching those opportunities, I

25/02/2021

Every time I look at myself in the mirror I can see something growing. It is not the pimple on my forehead related to stress or even my beard or the lack of care I throw at my body during this time. This growing is inside. Unlike the normal inside, this one you can see grow every day. Not the one I wanted when I decided to take that new journey of self discovery. That mirror doesn't reflect whatsoever what I saw, what I am about, my growth, my memories or even my love for others, but only my insecurities. The concept of growing in my head meant achieving the next step. So as you grow, you are a baby, then a child walking down that path of self discovery and looking at your adulthood like something far and scary, but at the same time you can not wait to reach that place. A place that everyone sold to you as the most secure, content and probably the only place you will be happy. But for that you need to grow. Every year checking if you are getting taller when you blow those candles on the 29th of july. You were not wrong nor the people around you. Perhaps there is someone out there living your fantasy but unfortunately for you, it isn't the person you would like to be living it. What you see growing in front of you, standing here now in front of this mirror at 2 am, is your disrespect for that figure. Growing self hate is not like growing a mustache. Once you get over it you can't erase it with a razor. You've tried it, metaphorically speaking. The great deal, the back door, the quick exit. Hurting your physical body because your spirit can't control the dark shadows coming from your feet just like roots of a tree. And just like trees, if you want to stop them from growing you cut them from the roots. I ask you, Ego, where are these roots? So I can cut them for you and me.

VII

The real awakening

It is in your mouth that I find myself dripping the succulent juice of life. When you decided to choose me you did not wait. The fruit was not mature. It was sweet. By the first bite you noticed my discomfort. Hard and tense, just like something not ready to be picked. By the second bite your teeth reached the core and I screamed.

Remembering you chewing me and enjoying my sweetness while others bit the fruit of pleasure causes me the same agonizing pain. Now on the floor you do recognize while the smell of rotting flesh consumes your nostrils, that was not even my season. Prohibited fruit, red, so much red I couldn't stop thinking of whose fault this was.

Am I the cause of all the rotten fruit to follow? The blame of not giving you to the hands of Themis.

Themis, (Greek: “Order”) in Greek religion, personification of justice, goddess of wisdom and good counsel, and the interpreter of the gods' will.

We share the same face they say. Here everyone kinda has the same background. No father to blame or hug. No father to feed you or teach you. We’re all in the same boat. In our case we were far away, pretending to be in the same place as all the others. Even by seeing how broken everyone's vehicle was, it somehow sounded better than ours. They were not there. Drug addicts, prisoners for all types of crimes locked away from their lives and their children's lives. But not you, you chose. Choosing to go away and not looking back. Making me figure out what I have done to you. Sure you do have a free pass in our lives as you said. Walking inside our lives every other year pretending nothing changed. You show up causing a reaction of emotional battles within ourselves, and a few weeks after off you go. Here in this space where you can not hear me I ask you if you do remember what you said to me when I was only 8 and all that I wanted from you was love. You hurted me instead, to a level that I'm sitting here at 24 still thinking about what I have done to you, grown man.

The last breath of an unborn child

Claimed by the pills ingested

The year is 1996 and the pain is not mild

Reaching the greatest pain a woman can feel

I blame you for making that choice,

Your celebration act was a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey.

Not knowing 8 months later you were about to be father once again

Making you leave all the others because of me and only me alone.

Another one is too much isn't it ?

Dear mommy,

If I am sending you this letter it might mean I decided to take myself away from this. By doing it I know I will be causing you a huge amount of pain that no mother should feel like and for that I am truly sorry. My intention in this life was never to cause you pain in any way but only to make you smile. Despite everything this life threw our away we still managed to have some great moments together causing this even more painful to both of us. Essentially we are allies in this war that doesn't seem to end. Unfortunately your little soldier doesn't have the strength you have to carry this on. I wanted to write about a specific memory that we share and hopefully make you smile but any memory we share can make you smile. I love you so much and I wish you could forgive me.

They are killing my mommy,